First, thank you to all who have sent and given me help recently. As always, I’m forever indebted to your support. Unfortunately I’m not out of the woods yet but am an inch or so closer. Your kindness is appreciated and helps me get through times like now when I’m not sure how I’m going to eat the rest of the month.
Being in this place is hard work. There’s stress of course and there’s the constant thinking and worrying about how to get through the remainder of the week or month. Unless you’ve ever been in this position, I don’t think people understand how much effort it entails. You are constantly strategyzing on how to get through your life. I don’t have the luxury of a family or friends here to support me. I have Polly, thank God, and I always make sure she’s fed, walked, etc. as my number one priority. It’s ironic that I’ve survived a heart attack and 25 years of living with a debilitating disease but something as normal as eating and surviving the financial strain of living on disability gets to me now.
My dear friend Chris (who contacted me via this here web thingy) has told me he’s on the look out for a computor for me to use so send him your prayers. I really miss being able to write. With the shell of a comp I’m still using now, it takes me a couple of hours to get through the few paragraphs you see here.
I recently read the book “The Lovely Bones” which I’ve had sitting around for a few years unread. Reading is something I’ve missed and I’ve reread about 6 books in the past week. (I read really fast) “The Lovely Bones” was amazing and even 2 weeks later I still think about it. It makes me want to write again so bad.
Eventually, I suppose and hope, I’ll get by. “Getting by” is as far as I can see sometimes. That might mean a hurdle like affording to buy food or paying my past due cable bill. After that, I’d like to become a person again.
Monday, August 10, 2009
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
As you know, I have limited computor access but I wanted to write what’s been going on with me.
First, however, I must thank those of you who have sent me your support. Margaret (who really saved me last month), Natalee and The Drunken Housewife have all been very generous by donating to me and Polly. It’s hard for me to overstate how much their kindness has been needed and appreciated. I know times are financially tough for a lot of people and their assistance has made a huge difference here.
For several reasons, I’ve had to give up a lot in order to adjust to my circumstances. After seven years, I’ve had to stop going in the morning to the Breakfast Place for monetary reasons. Polly and I still go for a walk in the morning but I do miss going for my tea and a chat with the waitresses who I’d come to know and liked very much. Polly may miss the turkey they gave her every morning but she has adjusted well and could probably stand to lose the calories.
This was a relatively simple effort to sacrifice among the other things I’ve given up. My life has been pared down to the bare essentials first for health reasons and now monetary ones. I haven’t eaten a meal in a restaurant for over a year, bought any clothing or splurged on any luxuries at all including simple things like kitchen utensils and items I could use around the house. I’m behind on my rent. The stress is probably the worst thing to deal with as I find myself constantly worrying about how to pay the rent and buy food.
My social worker has told me this too shall pass.I hope that’s true.Thanks so much for your prayers and thoughts.
First, however, I must thank those of you who have sent me your support. Margaret (who really saved me last month), Natalee and The Drunken Housewife have all been very generous by donating to me and Polly. It’s hard for me to overstate how much their kindness has been needed and appreciated. I know times are financially tough for a lot of people and their assistance has made a huge difference here.
For several reasons, I’ve had to give up a lot in order to adjust to my circumstances. After seven years, I’ve had to stop going in the morning to the Breakfast Place for monetary reasons. Polly and I still go for a walk in the morning but I do miss going for my tea and a chat with the waitresses who I’d come to know and liked very much. Polly may miss the turkey they gave her every morning but she has adjusted well and could probably stand to lose the calories.
This was a relatively simple effort to sacrifice among the other things I’ve given up. My life has been pared down to the bare essentials first for health reasons and now monetary ones. I haven’t eaten a meal in a restaurant for over a year, bought any clothing or splurged on any luxuries at all including simple things like kitchen utensils and items I could use around the house. I’m behind on my rent. The stress is probably the worst thing to deal with as I find myself constantly worrying about how to pay the rent and buy food.
My social worker has told me this too shall pass.I hope that’s true.Thanks so much for your prayers and thoughts.
Thursday, May 28, 2009
A friend once said to me “If you want to solve a problem, create a bigger problem.” I think I’m running out of bigger problems.
After my mother died last November, I came to a very bad place. There were a number of issues involved. For one, while I knew she was ill, her death was still a shock. I had not heard much about her condition from anyone or my half-sister Christa about how she had been doing. I knew she was in an assisted living facility that was apparently far from where Christa lived as she didn’t seem to go visit her very often.
In fact, Christa has never called me after my mother died. I heard about the news and what details I could from my aunt, my mother’s sister. I was never asked anything about the arrangements of her funeral or how anything would be handled. I wasn’t even asked if I wanted to go to the funeral. I was never told what happened to any of my mother’s belongings or anything she left behind. The last time I talked to my aunt was last December and I haven’t heard from anyone since.
While I’m no stranger to the death of someone close to me, this was different since 1) it was my mother and 2) I’ve had to go through this grieving and handling it on my own without any support from anyone else. Frankly, I didn’t handle it very well. I entered into a deep depression and things got pretty bad for me. I tried drowning my feelings in alcohol and my apartment went horribly downhill with trash collecting and clothes unwashed. My only activities became taking Polly on her walks every day but other than that, I became essentially a hermit from the world.
Soon after, I became very ill and frankly I thought my end was imminent and it was hard to muster much energy or will to combat it. I started suffering muscle seizures, complete loss of appetite and extreme dizziness when I’d stand. All I wanted to do was lie in bed and avoid moving.
Finally I got some assistance through Social Services. I was assigned a Social Worker who came to my house and helped me get a great living assistant named Richie who comes to my house now twice a week for cleaning and to do some cooking. She’s great and Polly loves her. My health has also gotten better and the fizzy spells which were really affecting me badly have stopped.
Unfortunately, my finances have been really horrible and that’s one reason I haven’t been able to have my computer fixed. I’m more concerned about having money for food and other living necessities. It’s something I worry about all the time and unfortunately causes me a great deal of stress.
Thanks so much for your concern. Please pray for me (or whatever you do) as I try to adjust to this new life I find myself living. I’ll try to keep you updated.
After my mother died last November, I came to a very bad place. There were a number of issues involved. For one, while I knew she was ill, her death was still a shock. I had not heard much about her condition from anyone or my half-sister Christa about how she had been doing. I knew she was in an assisted living facility that was apparently far from where Christa lived as she didn’t seem to go visit her very often.
In fact, Christa has never called me after my mother died. I heard about the news and what details I could from my aunt, my mother’s sister. I was never asked anything about the arrangements of her funeral or how anything would be handled. I wasn’t even asked if I wanted to go to the funeral. I was never told what happened to any of my mother’s belongings or anything she left behind. The last time I talked to my aunt was last December and I haven’t heard from anyone since.
While I’m no stranger to the death of someone close to me, this was different since 1) it was my mother and 2) I’ve had to go through this grieving and handling it on my own without any support from anyone else. Frankly, I didn’t handle it very well. I entered into a deep depression and things got pretty bad for me. I tried drowning my feelings in alcohol and my apartment went horribly downhill with trash collecting and clothes unwashed. My only activities became taking Polly on her walks every day but other than that, I became essentially a hermit from the world.
Soon after, I became very ill and frankly I thought my end was imminent and it was hard to muster much energy or will to combat it. I started suffering muscle seizures, complete loss of appetite and extreme dizziness when I’d stand. All I wanted to do was lie in bed and avoid moving.
Finally I got some assistance through Social Services. I was assigned a Social Worker who came to my house and helped me get a great living assistant named Richie who comes to my house now twice a week for cleaning and to do some cooking. She’s great and Polly loves her. My health has also gotten better and the fizzy spells which were really affecting me badly have stopped.
Unfortunately, my finances have been really horrible and that’s one reason I haven’t been able to have my computer fixed. I’m more concerned about having money for food and other living necessities. It’s something I worry about all the time and unfortunately causes me a great deal of stress.
Thanks so much for your concern. Please pray for me (or whatever you do) as I try to adjust to this new life I find myself living. I’ll try to keep you updated.
Monday, February 9, 2009
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
MEMORIES
How I was in most of the 80's and early 90's. God, drugs were fun. Now that I don't do any drugs anymore, I am so much more boring. Or maybe life is just so much more boring. At any rate, I got laid a lot more.
Good times.
Good times.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
THIS JUST IN
Polly has developed a new habit of barking in her sleep. Should I worry? What is she barking at? Are they dreams of other dogs who dare to impinge on her territory? (something she has an issue with)?
Polly definitely has an idea about what is hers, including me. In all fairness, I haven't tried to train her otherwise. Any dog, how big, who encroaches on her territory is soundly rebuked by repeated howls and vigorous tail wagging. Fortunately the territory is small and the other dogs, even the huge ones, seem cowered by her royalty which is kind of funny. Naturally I keep her away from harm and have tried to scold her. More often than not, if she actually reaches the other dog, she's vaguely interested and then ignores them. She's fickle. Like father, like daughter.
And so life with her goes on.
Polly definitely has an idea about what is hers, including me. In all fairness, I haven't tried to train her otherwise. Any dog, how big, who encroaches on her territory is soundly rebuked by repeated howls and vigorous tail wagging. Fortunately the territory is small and the other dogs, even the huge ones, seem cowered by her royalty which is kind of funny. Naturally I keep her away from harm and have tried to scold her. More often than not, if she actually reaches the other dog, she's vaguely interested and then ignores them. She's fickle. Like father, like daughter.
And so life with her goes on.
REVELATIONS
I recently came across a post I wrote on my Old Blog five years ago - FIVE YEARS AGO!!! - when I went to a forum/panel discussion here in LA about that new fangled thing called "blogging" and wrote about it here.
Newspaper threat. Heh, I was pretty smart back then.
Now, of course, I'm just an idiot. But here is the proof (proof for this area) that I was once ahead of the time. Oh, how the mighty fall.
Newspaper threat. Heh, I was pretty smart back then.
Now, of course, I'm just an idiot. But here is the proof (proof for this area) that I was once ahead of the time. Oh, how the mighty fall.
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
LOVE
"Her mother paused like a gypsy reading a crystal ball, her young daughter stiffly waiting for an answer. She had stopped reading this girl’s mind but even in the face of questions about Love, she felt she was still hers. Always, that’s what Love felt like. You could lock the door and take the key where you wanted, feel it pressing into your skin while waiting in line at the bank, in a store, smiling and nodding to people passing by. Love is a door to a house. "
Read more here.
Read more here.
Friday, January 2, 2009
GOD GIVE ME STRENGTH
From the great movie "Grace of My Heart" starring the incomparable Illeana Douglas. Supposedly this film was based on the story of Carole King. Bette Midler also did an amazing cover of this song, perhaps even more poignant. This is the aural version but there are no moving graphics:
Breath-taking.
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